My blog has had many names over the years – hell, you could technically go back as far as “The Gaming Truth” if you gave a shit – and a lot of changes to the theme, all rubbish and overly complex. The main problem however has always been a lack of updates, on a random schedule. I can’t really offer any excuses aside from forgetfulness (I once forgot to pay for two ice lollies at a corner shop once and just walked straight out); laziness (God, coming up with interesting things and writing them down takes TIME I COULD BE LYING ABOUT DOING NOTHING); a lack of a PC (Mine died last year. It shows how pathetic this blog became that I didn’t really mention it) and most importantly a lack of imagination. Seriously, I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve sat down and tried to type something… anything out and suffered horrific writer’s block.

Well no longer. Laputan Machine has moved. And from now on I am going to attempt to have something out once a week, minimum. I hereby encourage everyone in the world who ever existed to badger me into writing something every time I miss this target.

This blog shall remain as an archive of frankly much happier times. At least until WordPress feel like deleting it.

Godspeed

- Mark

There are lots of bad games and frankly a few good ones. Which makes one wonder, while Serious Sam is a fun game – if you’re going to remake a nine-year old game… gain, why not some other, older gems? So. Here are my finely tuned suggestions.

If you read them all, there will be cake.

Magic Carpet 2

A 4 way fight over the rare and precious Mana Worm. Hilarity ensues.

Whenever you mention Magic Carpet, people sneer at the thought of yet another 3D action game with no substance. What these people don’t understand is that Magic Carpet is the predecessor of games like Sacrifice or Brutal Legend. It’s more of an RTS than anything, and a finely tuned one at that.

If you haven’t tried it, if you’ve dismissed it out of hand, don’t. Give it a try. Get a few levels in. You may be pleasantly surprised.

Why put it on XBLA? Because I want to play the bitching multiplayer without first having to find even one person who owns the game and without having to fiddle with IPX.

Hell, putting this up would be free money. Shame EA owns it, really.

Dark Forces

Wow. That Stormtrooper is FUCKED.

Why the hell not? If you can put Doom and Wolfenstein 3D up, why not a frankly far superior 2.5D shooter?

Destroyed Rebel Bases, Sewers, Hidden Imperial weapons development bases, dusty Mines, Detention Centers, Ice Stations, Nar Shaddaa, Jabba the Hutt’s ship, The GODDAMN IMPERIAL CITY, Fuel stations and Imperial Battleships – Kyle Katarn kicks the shit out of all of them. And Boba Fett. And he steals the Death Star plans in the first fucking level. This was BEFORE he was a Jedi. There’s a reason why the internet tells Kyle Katarn facts.

Besides, it’s the only game where you can walk around using a mining tool on Stormtroopers. And punch Kell Dragons to death. Kyle Katarn is hardcore.

So yeah, put it on XBLA. So I can take down a Rebel Base destroying super droid with a Bryar pistol. (I’m not kidding, really.)

D/Generation

Unlike Mario, those pipes don't need stupid fucking plant enemies inside them to kill you.

To quote wikipedia:

“A French company called Genoq has developed a series of new genetically engineered bioweapons, which have run out of control and taken over Genoq’s Singapore lab. The main character is a courier delivering a package to one of Genoq’s top researchers, Jean-Paul Derrida, and who is happily oblivious of the carnage until the lab’s doors lock behind him. His customer is ten floors away, all of them crawling with bioweapons.”

Aside from the horrifying bioweapons (some of them disguise themselves as people needing help!) there’s also an assortment of security defenses that are out of control. Apparently in the future, all intruders must be killed, not arrested.

I think D/Generation was the first isometric game I ever played, and it was certainly one of the most difficult. But it was a good difficult. And there was something about the art style of the game I’m still very attached to.

Anyway, it’s an isometric puzzle game where you shoot monsters. Sounds like a perfect fit for XBLA to me.

Abe’s Oddysee + Exoddus

If there's more than one, you'd better run!

I’d love Flashback and Another World as well, but I’d settle for Abe.

I don’t think I really need to recap much about this 2D platform puzzle adventure. They are still some of my favourite games ever, and frankly the more who play them the better.

I’ve actually heard these get accused of being derivative, which makes no sense to me. If Abe’s Oddysee isn’t original, then what the fuck is?

Besides, they’ve been released on Steam, Good Old Games and practically everywhere fucking else, so why not XBLA?

There will be more soon. No cake until then. In the meantime, what games would you like to see on the Xbox Arcade? Let me know.

If you think some of these make no sense, I must point out that anyone wanting to actually play a Goblin makes no sense.

WHY CATACLYSM WILL ROXXORS BOXXORS

• Garbage stats are gone – Thanks Blizzard! We can now tell if gear is an upgrade by looking over the stats instead of looking up a dozen sources online, checking our spreadsheets and running simulators. Plus things like ArPen and AP and suchlike always felt like a hack job to cover up things basic stats couldn’t do. If you’ve fixed how basic stats worked then this is a great change.
• Levelling will be more fun – As things stand right now, Azeroth feels like being forced to do chores before you can eat your chocolate cake. The zones are boring, quests are still of the old “collect/kill 10″ variety and travelling is unpleasant, to say the least.
• Talents are finally talents – Instead of things you must take to DPS. Plus it’s another reason levelling will be more fun. 1% more Crit at Level 15 is boring and seemingly useless.
• Finally Azeroth is Finished – Pity it took FIVE FUCKING YEARS.

WHY CATACLYSM WILL SUCK GIANT MAN BOOBS

• Horde gets fucked over – Alliance gets Werewolves, we get annoying little green men. Goblins don’t even need a new model! It’s rumored that Cairne gets assassinated and that emo to jock cuntface Garrosh takes over from Thrall as Warchief. What the hell? Why play if I despise my own faction? And the worst part? While all this crap happens to the Horde, what upheavals hit the Alliance? That’s right. Jack shit.
• Awesome Stats are gone – Talk about making the game a bit too easy Blizz. Fuck you. BBQQ.
• How goddamn lazy – All you’ve done is remodelled the continents a bit and changed some quests. It’s still the same shit I’ve been looking at for 4 years.
• No new class to rape DKs with – I’m sick of being destroyed by Death Knights, where was the new Hero class to kill both of us?
• All my Alts feel Pointless – Might as well restart them.
• Goblins, WTF – We Hordies laugh at Gnomes for a reason. WE DON’T WANT THEM. Not even if you breed them with Orcs.
• Garrosh is still a dick 5 bullet points later – Enough said. God, I’ll fucking raid him.

More reasons when I remember them.

I'm pretty sure I noticed this a year ago, too. It's just laughable they haven't fixed this for their 3 members.

I’m sure Kalas feels right at home.

…well that’s how I wanted to read it, fuck you.

This woman thinks all Supehero movies should be like Spider-man.

• Street Fighter 4 (Ok, out in 3 days, but fuck you)
• Ghostbusters: The Video Game
• Dead Rising 2
• Bionic Commando? Maybe?  (Out in 4 days, but again, fuck you)
• That wolverine game… no way am I writing that embarrassing title here.
• Alan Wake
• Assassin’s Creed 2
• Brutal Legend
• Mass Effect 2
• Marvel vs. Capcom 3… they almost confirmed it, damn it.
• Prototype
• The King Of Fighters XII
• Final Fantasy IHateRomanNumerals – I’m not going to play it, just buy two copies and laugh at Sony Fans.
• Half Life 2: Episode 3
• Duke Nukem Forever (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)

Feel free to make fun or remind me of things I’ve forgotten. Because I have forgotten some games, I’m sure.

In case you don’t know what I’m talking about, I’ll put it into simple words for you.

Australian retailers will no longer be allowed to sell unrated online games. If they try, it can mean a hefty fine or prison sentence. This basically means that you can no longer sell online only games in Australia, such as any MMO ever. And of course, the very nature of these games means that companies cannot apply for a classification for their games and keep selling them, because we all know that it is impossible to rate the actions of others online.

Isn’t it enough that Australians have to wait 6 months longer than everybody else for games and most of them are banned anyway, without the government preventing them from buying WoW expansions?

Fuck the Australian Classification Board. Fuck John Hatzistergo. And fuck the Government for having a government regulated system in any fucking case, and for pulling this out of thin air without warning.

Full story here.